2008 Woodie Awards
No laughing matter: everyday ignorance
Donald Woodard
Issue date: 10/28/05 Section: Opinions
- Page 1 of 1
There are millions of things that go on
during the average day that either make
me extremely furious or simply puzzle me.
Tempo gave you "Random Notes," Sports
gave you "Gibberish" and now your
friendly neighborhood columnist brings
you "No Laughing Matter."
I went into my local Jewel a few days ago
to just simply buy some barbeque sauce. It
seems like a simple of enough of a task,
right? Not for me it isn't. It took me nearly
an hour. Why isn't barbeque sauce with
the other condiments in grocery stores?
What, is it too good to be with ketchup and
mustard? What makes barbeque sauce so
cocky? What, because you are only used
like fi ve times a year and get to be slow
roasted on your food? Barbeque sauce is
the rich relative of condiments who only
comes around during special ocassions and
normally talks very condescendingly to
you about how "quaint" your house is and
every few seconds says something like "oh,
you still have that" or "well I guess it works
for you." Let's put the barbeque sauce back
with the other condiments where it belongs
and not with the bread or juice. Isn't that
what Dr. King fought for.
Attention all drivers who switch lanes
on the expressway during high traffic times
without putting on your turn signals: you
are about the biggest tools in the world.
What, did you think I forgot? I remember, I
remember. You, with your Baby Gap T that's
so tight I can see your nipples breathing,
smoking your Marlboro Ultra Lights with
your Jason Mraz CD blaring while talking
on your cellphone while attempting to
apply your passion fruit lip gloss. Oh, and
that was a dude! Here's some advice you
metrosexual male, maybe if you weren't
concerned with looking sexier than your
girlfriend with your frosted tips and diesel
jeans, maybe you could properly obey
the rules of the road because my Pontiac
doesn't have anti-lock brakes and if I die
today, I'm going to be really pissed. Be a
man. I bet you pee sitting down.
I know that this might seem a little
insensitive but you know what really
grinds my gears: Two ugly people making
out. I don't want to see that! My mom
always told me that God don't like ugly, so
do us all a favor and try to be more Christlike.
Love is supposed to be beautiful, not
uncomfortable. It is what Jesus would do.
during the average day that either make
me extremely furious or simply puzzle me.
Tempo gave you "Random Notes," Sports
gave you "Gibberish" and now your
friendly neighborhood columnist brings
you "No Laughing Matter."
I went into my local Jewel a few days ago
to just simply buy some barbeque sauce. It
seems like a simple of enough of a task,
right? Not for me it isn't. It took me nearly
an hour. Why isn't barbeque sauce with
the other condiments in grocery stores?
What, is it too good to be with ketchup and
mustard? What makes barbeque sauce so
cocky? What, because you are only used
like fi ve times a year and get to be slow
roasted on your food? Barbeque sauce is
the rich relative of condiments who only
comes around during special ocassions and
normally talks very condescendingly to
you about how "quaint" your house is and
every few seconds says something like "oh,
you still have that" or "well I guess it works
for you." Let's put the barbeque sauce back
with the other condiments where it belongs
and not with the bread or juice. Isn't that
what Dr. King fought for.
Attention all drivers who switch lanes
on the expressway during high traffic times
without putting on your turn signals: you
are about the biggest tools in the world.
What, did you think I forgot? I remember, I
remember. You, with your Baby Gap T that's
so tight I can see your nipples breathing,
smoking your Marlboro Ultra Lights with
your Jason Mraz CD blaring while talking
on your cellphone while attempting to
apply your passion fruit lip gloss. Oh, and
that was a dude! Here's some advice you
metrosexual male, maybe if you weren't
concerned with looking sexier than your
girlfriend with your frosted tips and diesel
jeans, maybe you could properly obey
the rules of the road because my Pontiac
doesn't have anti-lock brakes and if I die
today, I'm going to be really pissed. Be a
man. I bet you pee sitting down.
I know that this might seem a little
insensitive but you know what really
grinds my gears: Two ugly people making
out. I don't want to see that! My mom
always told me that God don't like ugly, so
do us all a favor and try to be more Christlike.
Love is supposed to be beautiful, not
uncomfortable. It is what Jesus would do.
